Discourses on Faith
by Ellourrah
Summary: The Neo Queen looks back on her life as a warrior, understanding the lessons she learned, and the need for them. Her philosophical, yet slightly poetic thoughts on growing up, and working for your rewards.


So I guess I have a little explaining to do on this one. For those of you hoping for more hilarity or even some angst junkies, this is not at all what it seems. I was feeling a little philosophic one day and sat down to write this. I gave it an SM twist just to see if people would read it. The main point to this short is to show the literal transformation Usagi went through to become the Neo Queen. I've always found it to be a little strange that she simply wakes up one morning and decides that she's elegant and capable of ruling an entire planet, so here's a part of my explanation for her development. I doubt I'll get any feedback, seeing as a lot of this is symbolic and not romantic at all, but we'll see how it goes. Oh, and just in case anyone is curious, this also isn't religious, promise. Anyway, enjoy and if possible let me know what you think.

Ellourrah

Discourses on Faith

Blind vs. Informed

The first time I followed, it had been out of ignorance, out of blind naiveté. My life had always resided in the hands of others, and I had trusted them to it. Never before had my own intelligence been under question. As the small companion known only as Luna guided me through the first attacks on the city, I had exercised a kind of blind faith, I guess, that things would eventually work in my favor. Tugged along by the unrelenting strings of my imprisoning fate, I followed as a child would it's mother. Though much of the resulting war had been out of blind trust, I soon began to realize that there were two kinds of faith. Perhaps that had been the reason for the attacks after all. A part of my future understanding had stemmed from those early years of my life.

A cat guided me. The idea was ludicrous to begin with. She was a small animal, tiny enough for even me to lift and heft around as if she were nothing at all. Her presence was a sure and unrelenting force in the forefront of my mind for years. She harped and nagged, cajoled and wheedled me toward the ultimate goal, always with the mission fixed firmly in her mind. She may as well have been a God, slowly shaping my world into a tangled, unalterable mess of strings I couldn't hope to unravel. I experienced so many emotions that it seemed my system would surely overload if another sentiment slammed into my conscious. So many times I had laughed loud enough to scare away the fear and the pain, and many more I had cried in despair.

But as to these two forms of faith, I would speak on the first. As a child grows, much as I had, they learn to follow with blind faith, trusting in the wisdom of others to guide them. It is so easy, so painless to go through life like this. All one must do is learn to obey without question, as a youngster will follow the lead of their mother. In life, it is perhaps the most damaging kind of faith one can display. With it, the mind slowly begins to numb itself, refusing both creativity and independence. Hence, Luna (my unyielding force) would simply point out a target and say 'attack', and I would do just that. It is an irreparable tear in the ideology of the human race. One chooses the will of many; one decides the fate of all.

It was in the midst of this despair that a few things came to mind. First was that though blind faith is the most common of all types, it goes against one's very nature to tune themselves to this force. Each person is given a mind of their own, with personality quirks and interests that are a blend much like an individualized cocktail. Hence, blind faith cannot accommodate the needs of many. It is this kind of intelligence that makes the decision for us, that forces us to understand our situation and become creative in our explorations of those problems.

Of these deciding factors, the first became personal choice and intelligence. There is an undeniable link between our situations and our comprehensive abilities toward it. Though there are instances in life in which we are given no personal choice in the matter, as mine was, it then becomes infinitely more imperative that we then allow ourselves to shine to that fullest potential. The specific attributes of our individual minds are widely varying, therefore giving us the opportunity to explore the innermost depths of our character to find those pieces of ourselves that are ennobling or heroic. It becomes a chance to make us more than human, more than what our base nature describes us as. Anyone can become a hero in this respect, should they wish to be. It then becomes our decision to either go with the general drift, or map out a course which our lives then become affixed to. Here, one would say, the arrival of certain understanding became apparent. As one sees the rewards for their service within their grasp, they then become as a starving man and worked unceasingly toward the goal of that reward. One would say it didn't take so terribly long for mine to come to fruition.

Chiba Mamoru was the perfect man in all respects. It was difficult to understand why the fates had chosen him as my companion for life. The man was insufferably, irritatingly flawless. To be paired with such a hopeless case as I was, having no real talents or merits to my name; had to be difficult for him to understand at first. He had already been through my journey of self discovery, and had come through it all with elegance and a certain level of class. Perhaps he saw the end from the beginning after all. I certainly had never produced any potential for that same level of sophistication. Therefore, to balance the equation, one must then become the equivalent of that to gain level footing. Of course, this is an understatement, as no one person can ever truly be the epitome. As comes in all great stories, a moment of choice had come upon me when he entered the equation. I could either continue in blind faith, trusting in a small, furry animal to lead me to the things I wanted most, or I could choose for myself to be the best I could. Seeing as my goal was unattainable, or so it seemed, I chose then to also become the unattainable.

As this, and many other things, proved to be impossible, I have realized a few things about intelligence faith. The first being that one must look at both sides of the scale before a balance can be made, and that one must sacrifice to gain the ultimate reward. At this point, the blind, childlike faith I had always trusted in became nonexistent. I understood that a part of myself must be sacrificed for the good of others, and of myself. In letting go of that childlike naiveté, I allowed the strings of fate to slacken. Each move I made was of my own choice, was of my own volition. Fate would no longer decide to tag me along like some rag on a leash. I chose for myself to fight, to beat back the tides of evil spreading across the earth. A part of myself was lost in the battle, but I do not miss it.

The reward is equal or greater to the sacrifice. What one allows to give freely will then be given back, usually in multiples. The love Mamoru and I share is legendary because of this simple, understandable fact. I choose to sacrifice my will for his, I choose to fight for something I believe in, knowing that it could cost me my life. It doesn't matter. Though I die, I know that those services given will be returned in force, and that those compensations will be more plentiful for it. I know that despite the long years of waiting, the heartbreak and the horror, my reward has been much, much greater than my sacrifice.

I gave the world a few years of my life, my childhood as a sacrifice to use as it would. In return, I now bear the gentle responsibility of its people, knowing that for most that moment of choice has not yet come. They follow blindly, trusting in my gained wisdom to lead many. It is why I plead with them to search the things I say out, to think of them often to find the wisdom. Only when one makes an informed decision can they lay claim to this higher, more firm foundation of faith. After all, no one person can trust completely and totally in another whom they have never met.

Even now, as I watch my husband in quiet thought, I find my heart nearly bursting with love for him. His moment of choice had come as well, and he had chosen alike. Since that moment, we had become enslaved both to each other and the world as a whole, yet we are completely and deliriously happy. In giving entirely of myself, I gain all of him in return. The view behind me is filled with the visage of my young daughter, breathing gently in her sleep. Sugar gum hair swirls around her perfect little face as she rests, causing tears to slip down my face. How great my reward has been! To live in such a place, to be amongst my most treasured people, and to serve those around me to the best of my capacity; as strange as it sounds, it is fulfilling in the highest degree.

This world needs no blind, childish faith once a person has become mature enough to understand the capacity of service. In living for one's self, the world then becomes completely focused on just that; the self. It is an unfulfilling, pitiable life filled with emptiness and regret. It is perhaps the most important reason for personal intelligence, to focus our world on things outside of ourselves. There can be no preternatural compensation given when the world is focused completely on personal prerogative. In feeding that gluttonous hunger of our character, we deny that hunger the proper, exterior source of sustenance. We feed on ourselves, destroying what little there was to begin with. It becomes the death of our potential for growth and experience. It becomes the death of our humanity.

Neo Queen Serenity, yr 2781, August 4th

_Discourses on Faith_


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